I heard teenagers praying in the chapel beside my office. “That’s nice!” I thought. Then I realized they were praying against me! Loud prayers asking God to change my heart!
I had arrived eight months earlier, touted as the “Family Ministry Guy,” and promised the grumpy folks that if they’d give it a shot, we’d re-evaluate in January. January came fast, and now they were ganging up on me, trying to get God on their side. Soon, my adult intercessors arrived and joined them in the chapel. The praying continued. Feeling nauseated, I took a walk.
Patrick, the leader of the grumpies, spoke first at the meeting. I braced for the battle. “Uhhh,” he stammered, “we were praying, and the adults came and prayed with us, and it was really powerful together, so, uhhh, we’ve changed our minds. We think having more adults around could be good.”
And with that, the opposition to the transition to a family-based youth ministry ended.
Before you get grumpy about the ease of my transition in this church, you must know that my first transition to a family-based ministry in an earlier church was a disaster. I was a normal guy doing normal youth ministry. Then something snapped. Two moms were pressing me to teach abstinence to their kids.
I realized I had replaced the parents as counselor, discipler, and prayer partner. So I took a philosophical hairpin-turn and surged into a family ministry before there were books on it. I should’ve waited.
I didn’t communicate well; I didn’t plan well; the transition was abrupt and unhealthy. One parent said to me after the initial vision-casting meeting, “Wow, that’s a nice steak you have there. Why’d you try to jam the whole thing down my throat?”
The transition to a family ministry is not easy. You’ll face overzealous early-adopters, disgruntled kids, terrified parents, and your own inadequacy. I recommend you weigh the decision carefully. It may not be the time. You may not be ready to lead parents. Your core families may not be ready for more changes. Your own family may not be ready to be the “example” in the church.
The biggest challenge in a transition to a family ministry is personal survival. For a time you’ll be doing your old job and a new job. Let’s face it: The expectations on youth pastors are ridiculous. If you see family ministry as a way to ease your workload a bit by dumping tasks on parents, think again. You’ll get more adult help, but adding parents to the equation multiplies the complexity of a group.
The second challenge is aligning with the adult church. If you don’t communicate well with the pastor, the first time the parents skip his study of Malachi to join Banana Night with you, he’ll let you know.
Another challenge will be your own baggage. If you steer kids back to their homes, you may feel strangely abandoned when families choose to spend time together rather join your latest activity. Then you’ll live in a strange tension between theory and reality. You’ll say nice things like “the best youth pastor is a father,” but Dad may be absent or a jerk for some kids. You’ll say “the parent is the primary discipler of the child,” but a single mom may have little time or energy for significant family discussions. And over time you’ll attract families who seem perfect, but your struggling families may feel quietly shamed and wander away.
At some point, you’ll realize that family-based youth ministry is not enough. It is not the magic pill to heal every teen’s heart. Most families are a mess to some degree. They are on a journey with God. Go slowly.
And while family ministry is not enough, it is also too much – too much for a youth pastor without a clear calling, too much for fearful parents without equipping and support, and too much for a church that cannot grasp the importance of families worshipping and ministering together.
Ultimately, family ministry is worth pursuing, but it is not the complete solution for a generation leaving churches at an alarming rate. I’d suggest that effective youth ministry should create lifelong disciples. To do so in a culture where nuclear families are crumbling, we must connect children and their families to the broader family of God, not simply one youth leader or one community of parents of teens.
I’d suggest there is need for reformation well beyond a simple move in your department toward family. Imagine what would happen if churches ceased being a club that provides benefits for members, and began to function as the family of God – with each member related by the blood of Christ and each caring for the other, young and old. That’s real family-based ministry.